down in a hole..well tub

(Cpl wks ago beginning of Feb) I was sitting in the tub staring at my feet. They are so swollen along with my ankles,knees,and thighs. I look at my hands they are so white but the tips are blue almost purple and swollen nail beds. They are shaky and hurting. I look at my arms and my whole body the bruises,the diff skin texture,the scars...then I look over and I see Aiden smiling and working on his abc's then I say a thanks to God for allowing me to have such an amazing son. Then I get a txt of a baby..a newborn baby, a precious new baby boy. I put the phone down and fall deep into the water and just scream and cry under the water so Aiden doesn't have to see or hear. In my mind Im thinking ...anger,jealousy,greed,ANGER, sigh... Why oh why..I don't want to few this way but I do. Im under the water in my head disgusted with my body still, disgusted with the fact that I will probably not have a baby wrapped in that ugly blue and pink striped receiving blanket again. I think about how Chris will never have a pict of himself holding his new pride and joy and we can send out to everyone. I think about all the dreams I had of me having a.little mini me with long curly hair..I try to find my faith in those dreams God sends me. I jump up out the water bc my heart starts hurting. Damn heart! I look to my left and there is Aiden smiling and.standing there amazed..he thought I was sleeping ;) kids! Then I find my joy..I start crying and he wipes my tears away and says ma I love you. ( ppl this is why I yearn for another) he is so amazing! My weakness is also when I see parents treat their kids wrong, don't want their kids, don't take care of their kids, don't want to be pregnant, get abortions,take advantage of being a mom.or dad, shoot at this moment I.just don't like the fact that ppl don't appreciate what God and their body has Blessed them with. I would do anything anything anything to get my body healthy to where the Dr said rt now at this moment you can go get pregnant. Same with working..I hate how ppl complain about working a 4hr shift.. sigh..I know this depression this anger and jealousy will end one day...one day at a time but as for now I will continue to cry to.God and yell when I need to to get it out. Bc this too shall pass...

my mighty God how great you are!

So me and my husband said this year would be my year. I also had a vision that March is going to be my best month of feeling my healthiest. So I have been super bloated ever since end of November from steroid overload. But went to Drs recently in January and they took me off iv infusions in beginning of Jan and by the end of Jan I was lowered down to 10mg instead of 30mgs ( super ecstatic) my kidneys and lupus are in a stable condition also. So all is great there but my heart want so well..whomp whomp whomp. But hey, if I can make my kidneys and lupus in a stable condition I can get the rest of my body "stable" I can make this body happy again. That is the whole goal to find happiness again! In Feb I went to a new kidney Dr that is in the same network with my lupus Dr and he is amazing so far. He's just like my kidney Dr aggressive, compassionate, sincere,to the point,and understanding. His goal is to get me off steroids and needing them if I have a flare. Which I know myself I will fight through that flare to bot have to take medicine. So Im really excited about this upcoming months. Bc I will start to new drug, benlysta and slowly get off of prednisone and get my body,energy,and mind back ;) I am slowly losing the "moon face" and the extra bloat in knees and edema in my ankles and feet. The weight gain and the changing of the face and features have put a big depression cloud on me but I'm slowly understanding this too shall all pass..I have been reading 3 daily devotionals and going to church every Sunday. I am giving all my worries to Him and also devoting some time with Him to better myself and I have noticed that the weight is coming off,the stress is coming off my shoulders,those drs visits are getting better (if that is possible even though I hear bad things they are still better for some reason). I'm dealing with emotional stuff but I'm dealing with it with God. He is making me feel a little bit more like old Genn lately. I'm exhausted from getting off steroids but I do feel.better and not drugged up. Life is going to get better bc of my faith in Him. So by march oh yeah we are on the road to happiness ;)

claim it

Tues Jan 8th 4am. Claim it Ever wake up talking in your sleep? I woke up with a message from God well from a middle school principle saying claim what it is yours..I just spoke the words claim it out loud that I sat up..had to write in journal quickly..I'm claiming accomplishments this yr in my life even though i am sick. My dream said I would be in communications with health..I want to be a public voice for awareness so there!! God thank you once again ;) I'm listening being patience and seeking your guidance. This was a journal entry I wrote in the middle of the night... On Jan 26th I went to a Lupus open house I was invited to..to learn more,meet ppl,and tell my story. I never imagined by the end of the open house that I would be offered to work with them helping draw awareness about Lupus. So when God spoke to me in my sleep about working as a voice for others and in the health field..I believe this is what he meant. The opportunity to relate with others and get the message across that this is a nasty beast and we need help finding a cure we need help controlling it! It's so crazy bc I woke up out of my sleep that morning and grabbed my phone and just started writing away what was on my heart and wks later I get invited to this event thinking nothing of it just that I could get more info and maybe meet new ppl suffering also. Never imagined my ideas about drawing awareness were considered good enough. God is really using me and I will not let him or myself down.

I get scared sometimes....

Sometimes I think too much... I think about the future too often in a good and bad way...I scare myself sometimes bc I think what if I don't make it to 102 like I always dreamed let alone to 60.I think about bad things like how will i feel when I pass..will I be in pain, will I be suffering, or I'll it be peaceful and in my sleep? I scare myself sometimes when I think if I leave what will happen to aiden..how old will he be? Will I have this strong bond with him still like we do now or will we argue like every mom and son does and he regret saying he hated me? I think about my families reactions to me being in a hospital bed sick, I think about their feelings and how does this make them feel, what are their thoughts and concerns? Are they scared like me too? I look into my family and friends eyes and when they hug me its that i dont want to let go hug or when they look into my eyes i see their fear for me but trying to smile and say positve words. How do they really feel? Are they all scared shitless like me?! I can smile all day and know God is working on and with me but when my body hurts and feels the way it does yes im scared of the unknowing and unreliable beadt that Lupus is. I often cry throughout the day when I look at aiden bc it makes me realize I can't give up and if I do I hurt him.. Some days I want to give up bc I'm so tried and wore out from fighting so much and taking care of him. I cry bc I feel guilty I can't give him my all somedays.i cry bc I can't be consistent in this new life of mine with anything or anyone.I scare myself thinking of what a heart attack or stroke feels like. My heart always hurts and its like a gamble to know if something is about to happen or is it just aching.is it going to kill me or is it a warning. basically,I scare myself bc I think too much....

New toys

So I recently got a cane and a heart/pedometer watch. I'm not excited about either one actually haha come on a freakin cane! But I need it and the watch is pretty cool. It beeps if my heart rate is crazy which has been more frequently..sucks but we are gonna get it under control! Positivity ;) but since I can't work out work out I got the pedometer to keep track of how many stps intake bc I need to take at least 1000 for my heart and body...so I usually do laundry,clean,and vacuum as my exercise throughout the wk and I also started going to a devotional strength and stretching class on Monday's and Thursday's with the older folks ;)so I'm starting to feel a little better. I still fall..I'm all bruised up..I think my next toy is a shower handle to get out and an emergency button. I get scared being alone and with just aidn so much that if I fall badly or have an attack and I don't have my phone on me what would I do? Me and my family have been trying to think of wys to teach aiden how to get help but a 2 yr old come on..he's smart for his age but I dunno. He knows to get my phone but to dial is another. Our larm system has the big panic button but to teach him will make him curious to sways want to push. Haha I can see it now..police and ambulance coming bc aiden decided to push the button bc his toy is lost! Well basically, I'm a 28 yr old in an old woman's body now. At least I look good old haha

What's pushing my buttons...

What irks the mess out of me... Laziness! Excuses! Selfishness! Yeah yeah I'm sick and I shouldn't do half of the stuff I do but if I have energy and I pace myself I'm all good. So why is it that ppl who are well capable of doing everyday stuff like take care of your own child, clean your own mess, cook your own food, be active, go to work, etc..are so lazy where they find excuses, have others dot it for them, or just flat out ignore it. Why do some ppl choose to do other non- important tasks rather than spend time with their child or spouse, do a task,a chore around the house,anything? Selfishness... I wake up every morning at 730 feed my child a full breakfast and eat with him, wash clothes, clean up any mess, take care of the dog, school my child, take him to an activity around town, feed him lunch, put him down for nap, as he sleeps I do emails and scheduling and try to nap myself, then I take him somewhere outdoors,then prepare dinner, then play, discipline, entertain, bathing,read books, and put to bed,then while he sleeps I get the next day ready and then I can finally rest usually by 1030 -11 I can close my eyes on a good night....I do this everyday along with constant momma momma momma in my ear while I try to stay calm to be a good role model without going crazy on a 2 yr old. All while I'm hurting, aching, flaring, exhausted, wanting to give up but can't...and ppl complain bout their day at work or school..I would love to switch places sometimes. Stop being so lazy...you are what you make of your life..if you wake up and say its a shitty day well you bet it will be. I wake up every morning thanking God I woke up and then I get dressed with intentions of it being a productive and amazing day! The night before I set out a schedule if things I'm going to do the next day. Even if I don't do them all I look forward to something. Even if it's tons of drs appts I look forward to them. I enjoy my life I enjoy that I'm still live so why waste it by laying in bed or siting around complaining? Even when I hurt I only let myself sleep at most 2 hrs bc I do have a son to take care of instead of relying on someone else. He gives me motivation. Stop with the excuses... I can give a million that are legit but why not just push through? Stop being selfish and get priorities rt. love and do for others it will make ou feel good, trust me. Had to vent a bit just tired of seeing and hearing these very things. When I do so much even in pain,fatigue,swelling,collapsing, and all! Of I can manage so can you! Just remember that I never have a day, minute, or hour off..i always have my son and when I don't I always have the beasts that wear me out like a kid..haha and ppl want to complain....

In my dreams...

So lately in my sleep I constantly see someone that I know throughout my dreams. They pop up throughout the dream not necessarily involved but just there passing through. Then I wake up and for some reason they stay on my mind and God tells me to reach out to them that day to say how I feel about them or simply say I love and appreciate you. I stop whatever I'm doing and message them and I don't know what I'm going to say but my hands and heart sure do. I feel good after and they message back with a thank you or I needed that. Shows you how amazing God is huh? Im trying to do for others and takr the time to show my appreciation for others also. I mean everyone shows me support daily why can't I be their support system too?! They may not think they need it but God is telling me otherwise. Maybe you will be in my dreams next and get a lovely message of encouragement,appreciation,and gratitude?!