the day before easter...

So, I know you all have been anxiously awaiting the results of my biopsy. I got them back the Saturday before Easter. I get a phone call from my nephrologist saying he is sorta shocked at the results. He only got a phone call from the pathologist so not a hard copy in front of him to really go over or send me. He says that I am negative for Lupus in my kidneys. Which Is good but I have another auto immune disorder in my kidneys called Sjogrins disease. Basically my moisture glands in my eyes and mouth are gone and some side effects are kidney disease and gland failure. They don't know for sure yet if this Is what I ultimately have but the symptoms I have with the blurry vision and dry mouth and feeling dehrydated all the time makes sense. I then ask out of confusion does this mean I have no lupus and does this mean no dialysis?!! He says no..you do still have lupus just hasn't affected your kidneys like we thought yet. But there could be a chance they could if we don't figure this out. Also, there still is a chance you could have to get dialysis we just can't rule out anything rt now bc we still don't know. Then he tells me bc I'm still confused and annoyed almost at my body and the lack of results I guess in my eyes it was not to the point you have this! He tells me that I have had kidney failure some time. My kidneys are heavily scarred showing to us that this has been for years. Which in anyone's mind who knows about kidney failure you think..oh shit what does this mean for me and how did I not know I was this sick...he says that I still have kidney function which is what we want but it is scarred badly and that.......super sad face....I have to try prednisone for a month to see if that may help. To me thats saying Genn-0 Devil-1....but then my competitive mind says ok..no problem one month I will give you one month and then we try things my way. The Dr agrees and says we will test in 4 wks to know if its helped you any which in his eyes it will..he thinks it will help with the arthritis,lupus,thyroid,and the kidney. So with that said we shall see.. My feelings..my deep,honest,gut feelings about this all... I'm speechless,scared for the first time,annoyed,and over it. I haven't even looked up the sjogrins disease bc I don't believe in it just yet or kats put it his way..I don't want to learn it just yet bc I just learned about lupus and what if I don't have lupus after all those positive tests and what if I don't have sjogrins and what if I have some weird not heard of disease so basically I don't want to learn anything new to learn I have something else new. I don't want to learn more about it to learn the symptoms are what I really have. I don't want to learn about it to learn that I could die or there is no cure. Im over being sick and Im not going to allow myself to live life in a bubble bc of it. I still have strength and life left in me so I'm living off that feeling not what drs are telling me. That...that is how I honestly feel.