babies are coming& im getting tied up

The wk I am getting my consultation on getting my tubes tied is the rt around the time 3ppl I know will be giving birth to some beautiful happy healthy babies! It's a bittersweet feeling for sure. I have already cried and prayed over this situation and know things happen for reason. If we would have gotten pregnant in June like I wanted I probably would have either lost the baby or I would be extremely at high risk pregnancy and with a lot of complications where the baby would be preemie or not make it. I think back on how bad I got this past year and ending up in the er twice with high blood pressure and heart disease. I am on so much medicine and also infusions and constantly getting weaker by the days. I could not possibly be pregnant! I could not possibly be pregnant and take care of myself or a 2 1/2yr old?!! God, this Is when I thank you over and over bc months ago I was angry I was "defeated" I was broken to pieces I was torn I felt nothing bc I felt why me out of alot of ppl why can't I have kids why can't I have one more of my own why me why so many like me don't get the chance either?! But I prayed for understanding over and over and patience with it. To give me peace of mind..its not until now Lord that I can say I am at peace with it. I may cry about the situation all together but I understand..I physically,emotionally,mentally,and financially can't do it and getting my tubes tied will save me and chris from any "mistake"and "heartache" we are grateful and beyond blessed with an amazing son the son I always wanted! Thank you God thank you times a million for allowing me to be patient enough and wise enough to note greedy,bitter anymore,and grateful for what I do have. It's hard being a woman and being told your body just can't accomplish what it is made for. It's like I did something wrong but I didn't I did what I wanted I had a healthy happy baby naturally and safely. It's just that I only got blessed once while some of us get the amazing opportunity to give more loving to multiple ;)

New year..new beginnings??

It's the new year! And I'm sick ;( I have the shingles just got over Thrush,uti,and ear infection what next man! Well I notice I'm super swollen all the time now and weaker than normal. Headaches eye aches flares its all back. I go to lupus Dr and they notice all the above and that yes I have shingles and that I need meds for that ASAP..they also say that my body is super weak and I'm not doing well. So back on Solumedrol for three days out of the week. Mwf schedule 30 min process which is usually an hour. She also mentions that I will put on the list to get benlysta a fda approved lupus infusion. It's pricey but I'm willing to try I've heard great reviews. Only thing is its a 1hr infusion but a 3 hr process. I'm gonna be exhausted for sure. I also have to go to kidney Dr bc kidneys are back high. My thyroid is higher also so the meds have changed to see if that will help any. I'm on a lot of meds and I'm praying for a miracle this year. We cannot afford more bills that's for sure. I also have my big surgery coming up.for tubes tied. Sigh.. But this year will.involve more awareness and more positive reinforcement with fundraiser charity events and raising money for all types of charities. I'm getting active and aggressive about all this for sure!! It's taking.my life over but I won't.let it takw me..I'm having shirts made soon and a basketball tournament in Feb can't wait! Xo

his touch awakens my soul

When Aiden holds my hand every night before bed or rubs my cheeks and gives me nose kisses every morning and night or when I'm sick it awakens my soul and fills my heart with joy. He is the most amazing and special child imaginable to go through this situation. He handles it all very well and at much ease and confidence that it gives me confidence to push through. I thank you God for BLESSING me with him when you did and how you did. He's my miracle baby and forever will be! he may be my only child but man is he one AMAZING one! ;) Basically I woke up this am with him in bed with us at 7 am like usual and he always does the same routine rubs Chris arm then snuggles close to me rubs my cheeks gives nose kisses smiles and says hey ma..then turns over and grabs my hand to hold..then he falls back asleep and I wake up 30min later and him an hr later. It's one of our many bonding moments I love! But I also get sad to think what if he gets so used to this and he is a mommas boy he calls me his best friend ;) but what if..I have to leave this earth sooner than my original plan of 102 and I leave when I'm say 50? Not saying Aiden will be holding my hand still Haha hey who knows but I know as time goes on we will make new bonding moments..to see or know a child to have to go through losing a parent scares me.. I pray I am there to see him have a family of his own. To see all the amazing things I taught him flourish ;) I have to think of these things bc its reality its life..everyone dies! I can walk out my house rt now and die and it have nothing to do with my diseases..but its just that these diseases I have are scary no telling what can happen at any given moment. Kidney failure,heart failure,and crazy lupus you just never know! That is why I try to prepare my family and myself for whatever. I always say my thank you to God and to everyone. I say my I love you's and count my blessings along with enjoying every single moment. Im patient out in public teach Aiden to say hello and thank you everyone we see and to have a great day! Little things that make others smile will make us smile ;) I just want Aiden to always know how to respect others no matter how rude they can be. Our unconditional love to our ourselves,God,and others makes the soul warm and at peace! Now that's what Aiden brings me daily!