down in a hole..well tub

(Cpl wks ago beginning of Feb) I was sitting in the tub staring at my feet. They are so swollen along with my ankles,knees,and thighs. I look at my hands they are so white but the tips are blue almost purple and swollen nail beds. They are shaky and hurting. I look at my arms and my whole body the bruises,the diff skin texture,the scars...then I look over and I see Aiden smiling and working on his abc's then I say a thanks to God for allowing me to have such an amazing son. Then I get a txt of a baby..a newborn baby, a precious new baby boy. I put the phone down and fall deep into the water and just scream and cry under the water so Aiden doesn't have to see or hear. In my mind Im thinking ...anger,jealousy,greed,ANGER, sigh... Why oh why..I don't want to few this way but I do. Im under the water in my head disgusted with my body still, disgusted with the fact that I will probably not have a baby wrapped in that ugly blue and pink striped receiving blanket again. I think about how Chris will never have a pict of himself holding his new pride and joy and we can send out to everyone. I think about all the dreams I had of me having a.little mini me with long curly hair..I try to find my faith in those dreams God sends me. I jump up out the water bc my heart starts hurting. Damn heart! I look to my left and there is Aiden smiling and.standing there amazed..he thought I was sleeping ;) kids! Then I find my joy..I start crying and he wipes my tears away and says ma I love you. ( ppl this is why I yearn for another) he is so amazing! My weakness is also when I see parents treat their kids wrong, don't want their kids, don't take care of their kids, don't want to be pregnant, get abortions,take advantage of being a mom.or dad, shoot at this moment I.just don't like the fact that ppl don't appreciate what God and their body has Blessed them with. I would do anything anything anything to get my body healthy to where the Dr said rt now at this moment you can go get pregnant. Same with working..I hate how ppl complain about working a 4hr shift.. sigh..I know this depression this anger and jealousy will end one day...one day at a time but as for now I will continue to cry to.God and yell when I need to to get it out. Bc this too shall pass...

my mighty God how great you are!

So me and my husband said this year would be my year. I also had a vision that March is going to be my best month of feeling my healthiest. So I have been super bloated ever since end of November from steroid overload. But went to Drs recently in January and they took me off iv infusions in beginning of Jan and by the end of Jan I was lowered down to 10mg instead of 30mgs ( super ecstatic) my kidneys and lupus are in a stable condition also. So all is great there but my heart want so well..whomp whomp whomp. But hey, if I can make my kidneys and lupus in a stable condition I can get the rest of my body "stable" I can make this body happy again. That is the whole goal to find happiness again! In Feb I went to a new kidney Dr that is in the same network with my lupus Dr and he is amazing so far. He's just like my kidney Dr aggressive, compassionate, sincere,to the point,and understanding. His goal is to get me off steroids and needing them if I have a flare. Which I know myself I will fight through that flare to bot have to take medicine. So Im really excited about this upcoming months. Bc I will start to new drug, benlysta and slowly get off of prednisone and get my body,energy,and mind back ;) I am slowly losing the "moon face" and the extra bloat in knees and edema in my ankles and feet. The weight gain and the changing of the face and features have put a big depression cloud on me but I'm slowly understanding this too shall all pass..I have been reading 3 daily devotionals and going to church every Sunday. I am giving all my worries to Him and also devoting some time with Him to better myself and I have noticed that the weight is coming off,the stress is coming off my shoulders,those drs visits are getting better (if that is possible even though I hear bad things they are still better for some reason). I'm dealing with emotional stuff but I'm dealing with it with God. He is making me feel a little bit more like old Genn lately. I'm exhausted from getting off steroids but I do feel.better and not drugged up. Life is going to get better bc of my faith in Him. So by march oh yeah we are on the road to happiness ;)