I get scared sometimes....

Sometimes I think too much... I think about the future too often in a good and bad way...I scare myself sometimes bc I think what if I don't make it to 102 like I always dreamed let alone to 60.I think about bad things like how will i feel when I pass..will I be in pain, will I be suffering, or I'll it be peaceful and in my sleep? I scare myself sometimes when I think if I leave what will happen to aiden..how old will he be? Will I have this strong bond with him still like we do now or will we argue like every mom and son does and he regret saying he hated me? I think about my families reactions to me being in a hospital bed sick, I think about their feelings and how does this make them feel, what are their thoughts and concerns? Are they scared like me too? I look into my family and friends eyes and when they hug me its that i dont want to let go hug or when they look into my eyes i see their fear for me but trying to smile and say positve words. How do they really feel? Are they all scared shitless like me?! I can smile all day and know God is working on and with me but when my body hurts and feels the way it does yes im scared of the unknowing and unreliable beadt that Lupus is. I often cry throughout the day when I look at aiden bc it makes me realize I can't give up and if I do I hurt him.. Some days I want to give up bc I'm so tried and wore out from fighting so much and taking care of him. I cry bc I feel guilty I can't give him my all somedays.i cry bc I can't be consistent in this new life of mine with anything or anyone.I scare myself thinking of what a heart attack or stroke feels like. My heart always hurts and its like a gamble to know if something is about to happen or is it just aching.is it going to kill me or is it a warning. basically,I scare myself bc I think too much....

New toys

So I recently got a cane and a heart/pedometer watch. I'm not excited about either one actually haha come on a freakin cane! But I need it and the watch is pretty cool. It beeps if my heart rate is crazy which has been more frequently..sucks but we are gonna get it under control! Positivity ;) but since I can't work out work out I got the pedometer to keep track of how many stps intake bc I need to take at least 1000 for my heart and body...so I usually do laundry,clean,and vacuum as my exercise throughout the wk and I also started going to a devotional strength and stretching class on Monday's and Thursday's with the older folks ;)so I'm starting to feel a little better. I still fall..I'm all bruised up..I think my next toy is a shower handle to get out and an emergency button. I get scared being alone and with just aidn so much that if I fall badly or have an attack and I don't have my phone on me what would I do? Me and my family have been trying to think of wys to teach aiden how to get help but a 2 yr old come on..he's smart for his age but I dunno. He knows to get my phone but to dial is another. Our larm system has the big panic button but to teach him will make him curious to sways want to push. Haha I can see it now..police and ambulance coming bc aiden decided to push the button bc his toy is lost! Well basically, I'm a 28 yr old in an old woman's body now. At least I look good old haha

What's pushing my buttons...

What irks the mess out of me... Laziness! Excuses! Selfishness! Yeah yeah I'm sick and I shouldn't do half of the stuff I do but if I have energy and I pace myself I'm all good. So why is it that ppl who are well capable of doing everyday stuff like take care of your own child, clean your own mess, cook your own food, be active, go to work, etc..are so lazy where they find excuses, have others dot it for them, or just flat out ignore it. Why do some ppl choose to do other non- important tasks rather than spend time with their child or spouse, do a task,a chore around the house,anything? Selfishness... I wake up every morning at 730 feed my child a full breakfast and eat with him, wash clothes, clean up any mess, take care of the dog, school my child, take him to an activity around town, feed him lunch, put him down for nap, as he sleeps I do emails and scheduling and try to nap myself, then I take him somewhere outdoors,then prepare dinner, then play, discipline, entertain, bathing,read books, and put to bed,then while he sleeps I get the next day ready and then I can finally rest usually by 1030 -11 I can close my eyes on a good night....I do this everyday along with constant momma momma momma in my ear while I try to stay calm to be a good role model without going crazy on a 2 yr old. All while I'm hurting, aching, flaring, exhausted, wanting to give up but can't...and ppl complain bout their day at work or school..I would love to switch places sometimes. Stop being so lazy...you are what you make of your life..if you wake up and say its a shitty day well you bet it will be. I wake up every morning thanking God I woke up and then I get dressed with intentions of it being a productive and amazing day! The night before I set out a schedule if things I'm going to do the next day. Even if I don't do them all I look forward to something. Even if it's tons of drs appts I look forward to them. I enjoy my life I enjoy that I'm still live so why waste it by laying in bed or siting around complaining? Even when I hurt I only let myself sleep at most 2 hrs bc I do have a son to take care of instead of relying on someone else. He gives me motivation. Stop with the excuses... I can give a million that are legit but why not just push through? Stop being selfish and get priorities rt. love and do for others it will make ou feel good, trust me. Had to vent a bit just tired of seeing and hearing these very things. When I do so much even in pain,fatigue,swelling,collapsing, and all! Of I can manage so can you! Just remember that I never have a day, minute, or hour off..i always have my son and when I don't I always have the beasts that wear me out like a kid..haha and ppl want to complain....

In my dreams...

So lately in my sleep I constantly see someone that I know throughout my dreams. They pop up throughout the dream not necessarily involved but just there passing through. Then I wake up and for some reason they stay on my mind and God tells me to reach out to them that day to say how I feel about them or simply say I love and appreciate you. I stop whatever I'm doing and message them and I don't know what I'm going to say but my hands and heart sure do. I feel good after and they message back with a thank you or I needed that. Shows you how amazing God is huh? Im trying to do for others and takr the time to show my appreciation for others also. I mean everyone shows me support daily why can't I be their support system too?! They may not think they need it but God is telling me otherwise. Maybe you will be in my dreams next and get a lovely message of encouragement,appreciation,and gratitude?!