im lost...

Like stitch says off of Lilo and Stitch.... I feel lost. This past week I have never felt so defeated. I went to work and felt horrible had to leave early or not even show up and even cut my hours. It's like its starting to begin where I I just can't physically or mentally do a lot. Which makes me feel defeated. I feel lost, hurt,confused,abandoned,exhausted,and just over it all! I went to the gym to run after work one day and this is after I got my records from my Dr saying thay I am at stage 4chronic kidney failure. At that moment I was empty..i didn't understand what that meant. What is stage 4 and how many stages are there. What happens at stage 4 should I be feeling some type of way? Bc really I feel fine I am just exhausted and pee a lot not including my normal flares. I'm on the phone with one of besties, Autumn asking questions bc she is married to a nurse and also works at the hospital as a X-ray and ultrasound tech..basically they know more than I do so it helps. I'm livid bc I'm finding out about this through a sheet up paper and I'm nervous to what it all means. I go to the treadmill and turn it on and at my gym they have online and tv's on the treadmill so I was contemplating on looking up stages of CKD ( chronic kidney disease) I start running then on my Pandora to Gnarles Barkley radio and its some relaxing hip hop instrumental soothing good stuff..it zones me out even more than I already was about thinking about that D word..dialysis. I then get the nerve and search online. Yes there are only 5 stages and dialysis is the next stage and then transplant. So my heart races and I look up and I see a young guy running in front of me with a shirt that reads..." You are home don't worry" with a cross and sunset. I cry and I run harder and longer and realize I am not alone..I guess some would think home as dead, heaven,etc..I thought I'm home here with more life bc of my faith and believing in Him. So I ended up running 2miles and feeling golden! I cried, ran,and realized I am not alone:) my girlfriend Kathy works at my gym also and I went to her for a good cry and hug. It's amazing how at every turn literally every turn or every call,text email,fb,this blog..I have support. So how can I be down and LOST!!?? I have too much to live for right now for sure. So that brings me to why I decided to create a "cause" page and a charity event in September this year. I am going to.draw awareness to all the invisible illnesses out there and bring everyone that supports me closer to network and understand what people like myself go through on a day to day basis. I found a charity I want to donate to also for more research..I'm finding my light at the end of the tunnel through this bc I need to take the negative and make a positive! I can't feel lost forever and I can't let people not understand what Im going through. God gave me a voice and I will use it for the good of the ones who do not like to speak out. Bc we all know I don't mind ;)

fiesty is my middle name

So recently I have been dealing with stupid drs yet again! It's been 2 wks and I have not gotten my full biopsy test results back. Said he would call that Monday after Easter and its two weeks later. I call everyday and everyday that stupid secretary is like I will let him know...ugh. I also have been having side effects from steroids. My heart races fast and beats like its going to pump out of my chest but i also can't really breathe. My hands go numb sometimes. I have headaches and I still have flares! How anbouig that they say steroids help.. BS! but anyhow I call my Dr that dumb sloth of a secretary days she will.let the nurse know and they will get back to me. They NEVER do! Well this one particular day I was over it so to say. I went there chewed out the sloth and she had the nerve to sit there and talk about her child and Aiden. Hunny, I am not here to be your friend. My life is on the line and you guys won't return my calls or respond back with my results! Then next day Dr morris calls and says he tried calling I say yea one time and I called back in an hr and they said you were already gone. Ugh. Doesn't help that both of these days that I am talking to these idiots I was having horrible horrible flares! So feisty is really an understatement :) I'm already feisty with no flare so its like x10 when i have a flare and I'm dealing with idiots and my life on the line. So I go get my records bc I make an appt with another nephrologist to get a second opinion. They can't give me my records just yet bc he hasn't signed off on them! What type of crap is that?! They are mine!!!!! I just laugh and leave at this point. Bc I'm over it! I go to new Dr next day and basically he breaks down everything. Draws me pictures of my kidney tissue to explain the biopsy and why I'm on steroids. Bc usually if you have chronic kidney failure you don't take steroids but since I have two auto immune disorders the steroids should help it all. He reassured me that my Dr is doing what he his doing rt and that he will.get in contact with him to let him know that I am nervous and.need more details and communication. I will stay with my.Dr for the rest of the month trial on steroids and take the exams to see if it helps..if it doesn't then I will.start going to.new Dr for another theory. Oh joys of drs visits and the amount of money we pay them for this bull...atleast I feel better about what is going on with me and the next steps.