Saturday, April 7, 2012

if you could be a fly on the wall at my job...

Ok so here I will explain how I work and how difficult and amusing it is sometimes. Yes I said amusing bc I make myself laugh quite a bit lately. So I work at a cafe and I open the place by myself. I get there at 5am and do some baking and setting up the shop. When I drive to work I can't really steer well bc my hands are locked up. They are just stuck in a position and won't get out. I usually shake my hands or rub them but honestly that hurts also. I make it to work I get in and I have to cook off bacon first. Well the darn bacon package is probably the most difficult take I have all day! Im laughing thinking about it. Bc I have been trying to defeat this problem. Thinking maybe of i just cut the bag..but hey I can barely hold scissors or a knife rt now. Or maybe I can have the closers open it and put it away..then I think that's just not sanitary. Then I think screw it Genn grin and bear it and open the Damn thing already. It takes me probably 5min to do this task this simple easy task that they even made an "easier open" sign on the package. I'm very competitive and man does that feel like a slap in the face. Then I have to bake and just carrying simple things is almost is as if I had buttered my hands before coming to work..its just hard when your hands ache and your elbows burn from pain. Then here's the fun part..the shift begins and usually I always get one flare. Oh when I get a flare its almost like who let queen Bitch in the building. Oh wait thats just Genn having a flare ;) I get very quiet I mean no talking just nodding and one word answers. At this point though my coworkers just know and step back but step in to help me as much as possible and and usually go in the back to wind down. Bc with the quietness I also get the blurry eyes where I can't really see then the loss of concentration. So that sucks when I'm trying to rush out a breakfast or a lunch and I'm basically dazed and confused. When I have a flare it makes me like I'm high. I don't know if any of you have ever been on a drug ;) but let me break it down to how it makes me personally feel..my eyes start hurting my heart starts racing my body gets jittery as if I just took a drug ( enter your choice of drug here..) then I feel tingling all in me and just out of body experience. My mind is saying ugh get me off this and get it out of my system but my body is saying Haha enjoy it bc I am.. then I get fatigue and thats where the feeling of. " coming down " off the drug hits..I feel loopy and drained. Crazy huh?! I just probably took some on a trippy ride but that's how i feel..out of body and can't control it. But I trying to be a strong woman I try my best to fight through the pain and just work to get it done. But I have found that working makes me forget and stay too busy to realize I hurt or that I'm exhausted. So work..work is good!!

God sent me some angels...

So you guys think that was inspiring and wow factor about Mr Larry Pratcher..well check this out. So I mentioned before that I quit my old job for a more laid back job. I was first working at a jewelry company I loved so much. It's was artsy and fun and I met my very best friend there, Meredith. But I quit to ease up the stress and go back to a cooking bit on a smaller scale. A small cafe where I work with three other people. It was a great relaxing change. Stress free and getting paid good. Who can beat that?! So I start working at this place and slowly everything starts making more sense. First off a little background, my last job I loved but the hours were 9-5 so I couldn't get much done therefore no drs appt or so I procrastinated :) It was semi stressful, I was around chemicals. nothing harmful but later we find out I'm sick and can't be around that stuff. Anyhow, I go work at this great place where my boss is laid back as all get out. Almost like a big brother to me..an annoying, mean older brother who throws slimy lettuce on my arms for fun :) but he offers to give me insurance but instead just adds money to my check since I want to stay on Chris insurance. Then he says if you need off you need off don't stress we are here to help you. You will be better! Then to top it off his dad prays over me!!!! I have another angel praying over me, guiding me to build my faith again. I mean how exciting to know the place you work for is all about healing,God,positivity,and pure bliss..I got Soo darn lucky and blessed for sure! God truly sends people our way to help us we just have to open our eyes and heart and accept the message and love. Man, I'm truly blessed with the amazing angels in my life. All the nurses are my angels bc have yet to have a mean one. All the drs, all the people who cheer me on, my son..oh dear my son is my main angel!! He was a preemie first off. I had difficulty during the pregnancy but the delivery was easy as can be. But with the lupus they suggest that I try not to have anymore due to the high chances of miscarriage and possibly triggering the lupus even more. That was just a suggestion for me I don't know about everyone else. But me and my family choose not anymore bc of my health risk and the future child or the chance of going through something dramatic. So he is my miracle baby for sure. He is by far the happiest little booger out there. When I'm hurt he knows. When I'm down and sad he knows and comforts me unconditionally . A 1 1/2 yr old knowing how to handle emotions. Just amazing :) truly God knew what I could handle in a child and sent him to me. God knew what I needed and could handle for a job and sent me this cafe. God knew I needed an amazing man to be by my side forever and unconditionally and sent me Chris. God knew I could handle this disease and I strongly feel he gave this to me to be a voice and advocate for my illness bc obviously its inspiring you all enough to read and enjoy. Thankful..wait I'm beyond thankful!!

Mr Larry Pratcher

So I told you all that March was an amazing month. Well along with feeling better, more energy, and a new f ound positive attitude...I met an amazing man. So I usually go visit Chris at his job, which is a restaurant. I go by when they are about to close and get a hug,kiss,and a goodnight. We are on opposite schedules which yeah, its hard but we deal and enjoy the times when we are with eachother. But I went in he was a little busy trying to get everyone out..I was about to leave but he asked if I would just hold on and he would walk me out. I said sure sat down at the pasta bar like usual and there was a man sitting there eating and drinking some wine alone. Very clean cut nice looking gentleman. I smiled and asked how he was enjoying his food like I normally do to customers. I then sat there waiting snd talking to the kitchen staff when one of the servers came..Rhonda and said Genn let me introduce you to Mr. Larry Pratcher. I said my hello and nice to me you. He joked around about marriage and who is the saver and sp ender in the family. He joked about who uses the toothpaste and gets a butter knife to scrape it out :) real laid back dude. So we joked talked laughed I stayed longer than expected. Then he talks about family and I ask for his personal advice on how would you discipline a child in certain situations. Then he talks about his son and mentions he is a pastor. I pause and say really what church! Rhonda knew he was a pastor Chris did not. He was a regular that always came in but Chris never knew. Right then I get teary eyed bc I just had my biopsy done two days ago and here I'm talking to a pastor and maybe he could pray for me. I have all you guys praying but I just thought how amazing if he could pray over me. We talk some more and he asks me..if you don't mind me asking why are all the servers asking if you are okay..I tell him I just had a kidney biopsy two days ago. He says what was the reason. I tell him my story about thyroid,the kidneys,the lupus,the eye problems the whole ordeal. He stops and says the devil is an evil sight. He then tells me how his wife was diagnosed with thyroid issues also. He tells me I can't claim it and I should just live life and pray. I say there and talked to this man for three hrs almost and felt so alive and reassured that I am going to be healed. He gave me his card we talked about his passions and how it led him here from Chicago. That God told him to do three things and he followed his word and is now happy and successful here in Memphis. He preaches at 201 poplar and a church in Whitehaven. I said I would love to come to his church and he told me the place and name. I don't believe he believed me :) we sat and talked and I told him that I didst expect to stay so long but I'm glad I did..he tells me that he came to clear his mind bc he just lost a really close friend who passed a couple days ago. So we helped eachother clear our minds for that small moment. Well I went home higher than ever. I couldn't stop smiling. His charisma and attitude he believed in me and my strength and doesn't even know me. As a cpl days went on I kept dreaming about a man that looked like Mr. Pratcher holding my hand and guiding me to happiness. I dreamt that he was telling me over and over Genn you are strong just believe. He was guiding me to this amazing bright light..not like I was dying but more of a at peace place. Every night from then on I kept dreaming of his voice that smooth deep male voice saying Genn you are strong don't give up just believe. So I was very determined to go to his church to are him again and tell him how much appreciated his influence on me. I looked up the name of the church and could not find the address or a number. I felt so defeated again and confused. My sister finally found it Sunday morning and we quickly got dressed and went. I took a leap and said I will go to an unfamiliar church and learn something. So we went and I forgot that he said he was going to be out of town for the funeral. It was a small church. Total of 14-20 ppl maybe. They were so warm and welcoming though I felt comfortable. They prayed and got up and talked about testimonies. A couple ppl got up said theirs and then a man got up and said his thank you to God and praised him but said he felt there was a strong presence in this church today. Then this one lady gets up and days her story of how she is positive for lupus. I stop breathing and tears roll down my face. They pray over her and I still keep quiet. The next lady gets up and days I sure feel there is someone here who needs the prayer more than anyone. I still stay in my seat quiet. Another older lady gets up and says I was diagnosed with lupus 10 years ago and look at me now. I'm stronger than ever she was around late 60s I want to say. I then began to ball my eyes out and my sis clutches my hand and says thank you for bringing her with me today and feels it was God sending me there to hear these strong women fight through it. The testimonies get done and they keep mentioning there is a song presence in here today I feel it..they ask if they are any guest..well of course we stood out like a fat elephant in a rats pile. We stood up and I stated I came bc I met Mr. Pratcher last Sunday and told him I would come. They were thankful that I did. Then my lovely outspoken very Christian sister says I just want to thank you all for allowing my sister to witness this. She too was diagnosed with lupus and kidney failure and had a failed kidney biopsy. Well I thought It was going to be a I will pray for ya type thing. Nooo they took me up front prayed over me and hugged and kissed me as if I was their family. That man said you are the one that brought this strong presence in and he is trying reach out to you. How crazy right?!! But how amazing?!!!! I will never forget Mr.Pratcher and my experience with him and his church. They lifted me even more than I possibly could have imagined.

no pain,no gain...NOT!!

You know that saying no pain, no gain..well mine is more like no pain and a lot of gain! The month of March was by far the best month I have had in a while. I rarely had any flares. There were one or two mild ones every other week. I don't know if I'm just getting used to them and just know how to cope better or if they just don't hurt as bad. Well this month I went two days with out any flare. Then it was a lot and then none and off and on. But majority of this month I felt alive and my old self again. It was an amazing feeling that most, including myself took for granted. I cherish the days that I feel great. I do everything that I possibly can and love every bit of it. One day I worked my usual 5-130pm got off, cleaned my car,took my son to park,went grocery shopping,came home and cooked dinner,cleaned house,and still felt good. Like I said before many do this everyday but for me its rare now. I usually always have to take a nap and rest my legs and mind. I usually don't cook anymore. Which who know me its quite funny bc I went to school for cooking.I was very proud of myself that day. I was high off life for sure. Well this little positivity that was put my way made me think back to my normal happy positive, go get them attitude. I prayed and prayed and thought to myself and God..I said God, I truly believe in everything happens for reasons. So I feel that I got sick at this time in my life because I and my husband and child could physically and mentally handle it. I feel that it is to teach me how to fight and how my son how to fight even when feeling defeated. To teach me to cherish every single person good or bad in my life bc they have a purpose in my life. To love everyone and tell them constantly how much I appreciate them. To teach Aiden to love unconditionally yourself and the ones in your life and not just a front. I feel it is also to bring me ans my husband, Chris closer and stronger together. The sickness has made me not stress as much about a lot of things. So having this epiphany made me also realize that I should not be. Inter towards the drs that didn't get enough tissue or the fact that I have lupus and kidney failure. I always have done this thing where I take the negative and make a positive. So I said Lord,I feel they didn't get enough tissue bc you wanted my body to heal a little bit longer and in a month when I go back in the test will either be negative for lupus or nothing serious at all. I understand now what you were doing and I give my body that time to heal. So as I "think" and "say" this I believe that I am healed and feeling good. I realized then that my positivity will get me far if I keep it up. But If I believe I'm sick and hurting then heck yeah I'm sick and hurting. So I have no pain bc I gained a better attitude and allowed myself to see that happiness can happen if I just allow it to..sick or not sick. The only pain I have are these medical bills :)

kryptonite..psshh you cant stop me

Ok so I left off where I found out I had to redo that horrible tissue testing again. Well let just say I cried Soo hard for some days like a baby getting his paci stripped away from them all because mommy read its time to :) yeah that hard and a lot through out random times of the day. At this stage of the lupus I felt my weakest. I felt my trust in God slip. I guess bc I prayed, YOU all prayed sooo much for me that in my mind "at that moment" I felt he let me and my family down. He gave me the wrong drs to work on me, I felt he wasted my happy day, my laughter with those drs, the positivity on these ppl just to say..eh we didn't get enough lets do it again. So like I always do I go in my closet when I feel defeated and I cry and cry and cry and pray and pray and pray for answers,strength,wisdom,and understanding,plus patience. I repeat that over and over to God and soon its to myself to let me understand that things happen in life that we cannot always explain at that very moment why and that have to trust in God that I can handle anything and I mean ANYTHING that is put in my path. So now I have puffy eyes and snot coming out ( lovely image huh) and I go take a shower and just meditate and relax. I have found this is the ONLY thing that gets me through my flares. Ok for those who don't know what I'm talking about when I say "flares" for me, its when my joints every single annoying joint starts hurting or swelling in my knees due from inflammation. Usually its starts with my eyes getting irritated and then blurry,then I get jittery and my heart starts racing fast, I then have achey feelings all over,the headaches come from the pressure of my eyes hurting,and lastly I feel like I can just fall out bc I am so weak feeling and fatigue. Sooo, when all this happens when I'm at home or at a house I usually go take a super hot..I mean knob all the way until it can't go nomore hot, and just stand there stretching each and every joint,muscle,everything. Sadly to say our water bill may be a teensy bit high due to this but hey, I'm not on meds! After this I put lotion on to basically massage out every joint possible but the tricky part is..my hands are my most sensitive body part that the arthritis targets the most..I mean there are time I just want to unbutton my pants and it takes FOREVER! So my solution to that is yoga pants and work out shorts. ( ppl usually ask if I just got done working out hehe sure I did, why else would I dress so comfy?!) but back to my routine, so after that I find a comfy spot on the couch get my large glass of water or whatever usually caffeine free mess but hey gotta do what i gotta do..a snack lately its been fruit and turn my dvr on and watch, don't make fun of me or judge me..nothing but reality drama filled stupid girl fight mess :) my guilty pleasure. Hey I don't eat chocolate Soo I can have something that every girl loves. I usually fall asleep instantly and wake up at 7-8 pm. So I sleep from 2-8pm and wake up eat dinner and go rt back to sleep by 10 usually. My mind body and soul is wore out! A flare knocks me down,drags me out,and spits on me. So when I write on fb saying only 1 flare that is an amazing day for me. Imagine getting them back to back..which I have actually at work. Everyone that is usually around me knows when I'm having one. I'm usually always hyper,smiling laughing,cracking a smart comment..but when I have a flare I.get really quiet and look like Im just wore out. I don't speak or I speak as little as possible bc I'm mentally trying to psych myself out of this "out of body experience" but it never works and never give up trying. One day I will.figure out what triggers my flares and how to control them when I'm out and about not in a shower. Some people I have talked to or heard about say meat causes their flares,spicy food,certain things. Well I have tested all that and I don't know if its another person in my body trying to make me go.crazy but everytime I feel just fine.." my minds playing tricks on me" ( who does that song Haha) but basically that is the jist of my crazy body that i will defeat soon! It's almost like a video game I'm superman and lupus is the bad guys and flares is the kryptonite that knocks me down. In my superhero voice...I will conquer you!!