im lost...

Like stitch says off of Lilo and Stitch.... I feel lost. This past week I have never felt so defeated. I went to work and felt horrible had to leave early or not even show up and even cut my hours. It's like its starting to begin where I I just can't physically or mentally do a lot. Which makes me feel defeated. I feel lost, hurt,confused,abandoned,exhausted,and just over it all! I went to the gym to run after work one day and this is after I got my records from my Dr saying thay I am at stage 4chronic kidney failure. At that moment I was empty..i didn't understand what that meant. What is stage 4 and how many stages are there. What happens at stage 4 should I be feeling some type of way? Bc really I feel fine I am just exhausted and pee a lot not including my normal flares. I'm on the phone with one of besties, Autumn asking questions bc she is married to a nurse and also works at the hospital as a X-ray and ultrasound tech..basically they know more than I do so it helps. I'm livid bc I'm finding out about this through a sheet up paper and I'm nervous to what it all means. I go to the treadmill and turn it on and at my gym they have online and tv's on the treadmill so I was contemplating on looking up stages of CKD ( chronic kidney disease) I start running then on my Pandora to Gnarles Barkley radio and its some relaxing hip hop instrumental soothing good stuff..it zones me out even more than I already was about thinking about that D word..dialysis. I then get the nerve and search online. Yes there are only 5 stages and dialysis is the next stage and then transplant. So my heart races and I look up and I see a young guy running in front of me with a shirt that reads..." You are home don't worry" with a cross and sunset. I cry and I run harder and longer and realize I am not alone..I guess some would think home as dead, heaven,etc..I thought I'm home here with more life bc of my faith and believing in Him. So I ended up running 2miles and feeling golden! I cried, ran,and realized I am not alone:) my girlfriend Kathy works at my gym also and I went to her for a good cry and hug. It's amazing how at every turn literally every turn or every call,text email,fb,this blog..I have support. So how can I be down and LOST!!?? I have too much to live for right now for sure. So that brings me to why I decided to create a "cause" page and a charity event in September this year. I am going to.draw awareness to all the invisible illnesses out there and bring everyone that supports me closer to network and understand what people like myself go through on a day to day basis. I found a charity I want to donate to also for more research..I'm finding my light at the end of the tunnel through this bc I need to take the negative and make a positive! I can't feel lost forever and I can't let people not understand what Im going through. God gave me a voice and I will use it for the good of the ones who do not like to speak out. Bc we all know I don't mind ;)