womans worst nightmare....

So lately I have been feeling good..better than in January and before the steroids. I don't have many flares or eye issues either. So I brought up how I would love to try to have another baby soon. Aiden is 2 trying to get potty trained and loves babies. Me and Chris always mentioned that we would try this summer and whenever Aiden was 2. Then I got sick and we then said once I feel good. Well...I'm all the above. I have read all about it and I have faith that I can have a child regardless of the miscarriage scare..I tell Chris hey, its either a cat or a baby. He says you are allergic to cats so....ding ding ding a baby it shall be hahaha. Well he tells me call the insurance,call your drs,and then we will see. So I call insurance company and all my drs visit would be paid for which is awesome since I would be a high risk pregnancy patient. Then I could save up for the delivery. I had Aiden naturally before and pray that the next would be the same. Then I call my one Dr bc I had fo pay a bill anyways. I tell him that we are debating on trying what is your input... " well....I really advice you not to not simply because of the lupus but bc of the kidney failure..there are many scares involved woth pregnancy and these diseases. You could lose the baby,you could become even more sick,the baby become sick,you both could be in danger,your whole pregnancy would be a big risk,your blood pressure could rise causing preeclampsia (spelling?), just more trauma to your body than what you really can handle. But then again you could have a great pregnancy if you take it easy and not work and relax bit its all a risk a big risk for your health and your baby's health" Then...I cry, I cry so hard, for so long, for days and days. I'm crying now as I write this. I cry when I hear about ppl having babies,I cry when I see babies,I cry when I see pregnant women,I cry when I hear someone say they are trying or want to try,I cry when someone says I can't wait to have a big family. I just cry and cry and cry. I feel that emptiness in my heart she. The drs told me I was sick,the same pain when I have lost someone,the same pain as if I didn't accomplish something...I feel defeated! Defeated by this sickness that won't go away. That is slowly taking my life away. Miracles do happen and I'm grateful for having aiden. But as a woman who wants a family of four..the mom,dad,and two kids then you feel my pain of being told no. The pain of saying its your body but no you shouldn't. I have met so many amazing women who.can not for some reason have kids and I always prayed for them a miracle and always said I never wish that on anyone not even my worst enemy. I feel their pain now. I see parents who abuse their children daily,who don't want to be around them and party all night and day,leave their kids with family or friends,and I say how can they be blessed with so many children and I can only have one?! Yea their is adoption but seeing what we can make is the most amazing feeling ever. I never wanted to be a mother until I met my husband. Now I want more bc I see how amazing my son is. I'm grateful for what I do have that's for sure. But that spot in my heart,mind,and soul will always hurt no matter what I guess its a woman thing or maybe just me. I'm trying to cope and understand. I pray daily for understanding and strength. One day at a time.

what next...

Ok its been a while since I have written anything and I apologize. I have basically been out of it I guess you can call it. First, I was in happy mode and felt so amazing after they took me off steroids. Then I took a turn down south and became super depressed. I don't know what came over me but everything makes me cry and my anxiety has gotten worst. The day after they took me off of steroids I noticed my heart rate was high,my chest was in pain like an elephant sitting on my chest,and horrible headaches. Went and got my blood pressure checked and it was sky rocket high. So high they checked me four times and had me stay to monitor me. Then the next day and the whole week it was high. Very frustrating that something else is added on to my list of health scares. Well I ended up buying an at home blood pressure monitor so now I check it all the time. Some days its high some days its lower never just rt though. Ever since I was taken off of steroids this is happening. I have also noticed that my anxiety has gotten worse. A million things run through my head,taking care of a now 2yr old,medical bills,working full time,and just marriage on top of it all. My plate is full that's for sure. I was so proactive about my illness before but a slump has come over me. I guess no steroids and the energy that it gave me I was rolling with it. But being off of them I'm wore out all the time! I just need someone to help me more.