I get scared sometimes....

Sometimes I think too much... I think about the future too often in a good and bad way...I scare myself sometimes bc I think what if I don't make it to 102 like I always dreamed let alone to 60.I think about bad things like how will i feel when I pass..will I be in pain, will I be suffering, or I'll it be peaceful and in my sleep? I scare myself sometimes when I think if I leave what will happen to aiden..how old will he be? Will I have this strong bond with him still like we do now or will we argue like every mom and son does and he regret saying he hated me? I think about my families reactions to me being in a hospital bed sick, I think about their feelings and how does this make them feel, what are their thoughts and concerns? Are they scared like me too? I look into my family and friends eyes and when they hug me its that i dont want to let go hug or when they look into my eyes i see their fear for me but trying to smile and say positve words. How do they really feel? Are they all scared shitless like me?! I can smile all day and know God is working on and with me but when my body hurts and feels the way it does yes im scared of the unknowing and unreliable beadt that Lupus is. I often cry throughout the day when I look at aiden bc it makes me realize I can't give up and if I do I hurt him.. Some days I want to give up bc I'm so tried and wore out from fighting so much and taking care of him. I cry bc I feel guilty I can't give him my all somedays.i cry bc I can't be consistent in this new life of mine with anything or anyone.I scare myself thinking of what a heart attack or stroke feels like. My heart always hurts and its like a gamble to know if something is about to happen or is it just aching.is it going to kill me or is it a warning. basically,I scare myself bc I think too much....