Sit in a recliner,lean back, and lets shoot up...

Sounds exciting huh?! Haha.. well you can take my place any day crack head anyday ;) So I go to rheumotologist (Lupus and Sjogrens. Dr) every day in the am for approximately 2hrs. The infusion takes 1hr usually from start to finish. The medicine is only 30minutes going in me but the whole process of calming my Bp and heart rate down takes an hour usually in itself. My first cpl times I was nervous. I mean before getting sick I never had shots,needles,hospital,drs nothing! I only got tattoos ;) so for me to sit there with an iv in me was like "I am warrior hear me roar" I felt strong! Bc I did it..alone. that's another thing..I do a lot of this stuff alone (drs,hospitals,infusions,phone calls) bc I don't want to see ppls expressions,don't want to hear their worries,and oddly enough for a very emotional sensitive person..I don't want the "pity" feeling. I am strong and I want you all to be strong with me. So having someone there to just sit and be scared does NOTHING for us both! I'm not mean I'm just real. My Bp and heart rate doesn't need the next persons sorrows I can only deal with mine,aidens,and Chris's at the moment. Chris is the only person usually ( besides my sister Gina and God in my closet) that see me break down and all the way down. They are my light in the darkness from day one.. I married Chris and said until death..he should only have to carry my burdens. Our way of living not yours..it helps me stay calm actually. I post in a blog my feelings,I fb status it but to actually break down will be rare. Bc if I do I sort of feel like I gave up on God. He told me personally he has me and I'm not defeated! That was a struggle with in itself for months I "blamed" God and felt "defeated" beyond belief! Why me feeling and I'm doing everything "right" and my test are coming back horrible! I almost wanted to give up and but then I look at those hazel eyes of aidens and that smile he gives me and he now says " ma,u my est fran!" ( I'm his best friend) that's what keeps me going! So back to infusions... I sit in the recliners,relax,and watch tv and ppl watch. I'm nervous..everyone is not there for treatment so they stare back and I get TONS of stares ( I'm the youngest,sickest,and perkiest) they all ask me in a not threatning way do I just have RA ( rhuematoid arthritis) oh how I wish! They all are mainly late 30s and way older with RA only. Few have lupus or fybro. But its a handful. I on the other hand have a handful of stuff but the least to complain ;) Go me! A lot of them beg for meds and get mad when they say no you have an infection or your sick and we have to clear that up first. They talk about how they can't go on another wk like this or another minute! Then the nurses come to me ask me my info..how do you feel,what's the pain for the day,how's the kidneys,how's the blah and blah..the whole shabang and they just get quiet. They all start asking more questions say bless your heart your so young but have a smile on your face. Love your positive attitude blah blah...I changed their attitude by saying snd doing nothing...Power of God in me for sure! As the infusion goes on I watch my show Kelly and Michael,play on pinterest and listen to relaxing music..I try my best to stay calm and think happy thoughts.. by the middle of infusion my mouth tastes like metal so I stop drinking water and start on my berry smoothie since I can't have caffeine ( candy they provide for the metal mouth) and then like that my eyes get heavy,my face feels droopy,I feel loopy,I'm tired. Everyone notices and they just stare in disbelief I guess..from how happy to how quiet and dazed I can from in minutes. It's my life I'm used it..hey even Aiden is. He says mommy body hurts for a minute but her heart is happy! A freakin 2 yr old!!! Hes beyond amazing I tell ya! Helps to not sugar coat anything to them. I'm very honest with him about drs needles,hurting,being tired,and patients! He's very well behaved for my illness and for a 2yr old. He's compassionate,out spoken,and a realist ;) like his mommy When I leave the infusion I'm not totally out of it but I'm tired. I always try and dress decent when I go to..I want to feel good and not just wear pajamas all day that's lazy! I wear what I can and try to be presentable basically..I'm not all decked out in heels Haha never me! But being in the sun hurts me but it also gives me a little pep to my step so this amazing weather lately has me more active and happy! Usually after infusions i go home cuddle with the boys,make lunch,and relax for a bit before i start my day teaching lil man. Infusions have given me a new insight on my illness..I have realized finally I am SICK. I was in denial for sure. Im sicker than I believed to be bc I didn't want it to begin with. I feel a difference I feel weaker in my body but not my mind. I mean I have lupus fog like no other but I'm still capable to do a lot. The infusions are what I needed to kick my butt into gear for this new amazing year! That's all we can hope ans pray for right?! With God all is possible!!!Xo