kryptonite..psshh you cant stop me

Ok so I left off where I found out I had to redo that horrible tissue testing again. Well let just say I cried Soo hard for some days like a baby getting his paci stripped away from them all because mommy read its time to :) yeah that hard and a lot through out random times of the day. At this stage of the lupus I felt my weakest. I felt my trust in God slip. I guess bc I prayed, YOU all prayed sooo much for me that in my mind "at that moment" I felt he let me and my family down. He gave me the wrong drs to work on me, I felt he wasted my happy day, my laughter with those drs, the positivity on these ppl just to say..eh we didn't get enough lets do it again. So like I always do I go in my closet when I feel defeated and I cry and cry and cry and pray and pray and pray for answers,strength,wisdom,and understanding,plus patience. I repeat that over and over to God and soon its to myself to let me understand that things happen in life that we cannot always explain at that very moment why and that have to trust in God that I can handle anything and I mean ANYTHING that is put in my path. So now I have puffy eyes and snot coming out ( lovely image huh) and I go take a shower and just meditate and relax. I have found this is the ONLY thing that gets me through my flares. Ok for those who don't know what I'm talking about when I say "flares" for me, its when my joints every single annoying joint starts hurting or swelling in my knees due from inflammation. Usually its starts with my eyes getting irritated and then blurry,then I get jittery and my heart starts racing fast, I then have achey feelings all over,the headaches come from the pressure of my eyes hurting,and lastly I feel like I can just fall out bc I am so weak feeling and fatigue. Sooo, when all this happens when I'm at home or at a house I usually go take a super hot..I mean knob all the way until it can't go nomore hot, and just stand there stretching each and every joint,muscle,everything. Sadly to say our water bill may be a teensy bit high due to this but hey, I'm not on meds! After this I put lotion on to basically massage out every joint possible but the tricky part is..my hands are my most sensitive body part that the arthritis targets the most..I mean there are time I just want to unbutton my pants and it takes FOREVER! So my solution to that is yoga pants and work out shorts. ( ppl usually ask if I just got done working out hehe sure I did, why else would I dress so comfy?!) but back to my routine, so after that I find a comfy spot on the couch get my large glass of water or whatever usually caffeine free mess but hey gotta do what i gotta do..a snack lately its been fruit and turn my dvr on and watch, don't make fun of me or judge me..nothing but reality drama filled stupid girl fight mess :) my guilty pleasure. Hey I don't eat chocolate Soo I can have something that every girl loves. I usually fall asleep instantly and wake up at 7-8 pm. So I sleep from 2-8pm and wake up eat dinner and go rt back to sleep by 10 usually. My mind body and soul is wore out! A flare knocks me down,drags me out,and spits on me. So when I write on fb saying only 1 flare that is an amazing day for me. Imagine getting them back to back..which I have actually at work. Everyone that is usually around me knows when I'm having one. I'm usually always hyper,smiling laughing,cracking a smart comment..but when I have a flare I.get really quiet and look like Im just wore out. I don't speak or I speak as little as possible bc I'm mentally trying to psych myself out of this "out of body experience" but it never works and never give up trying. One day I will.figure out what triggers my flares and how to control them when I'm out and about not in a shower. Some people I have talked to or heard about say meat causes their flares,spicy food,certain things. Well I have tested all that and I don't know if its another person in my body trying to make me go.crazy but everytime I feel just fine.." my minds playing tricks on me" ( who does that song Haha) but basically that is the jist of my crazy body that i will defeat soon! It's almost like a video game I'm superman and lupus is the bad guys and flares is the kryptonite that knocks me down. In my superhero voice...I will conquer you!!