Sticky notes galore

Im losing memory that I have sticky notes everywhere, alarms set for everything down to taking my meds to calling my mom. Aye yi yi brain fog is no joke! I forget I make an appointment and end up setting it up at either the same time or rt behind each other that I am rushing. Or I forget the appointment all together and they call asking where I am. I need a nanny for myself haha

last infusion for a month..hopefully

Dec 17th I got lucky and they said it would be my last infusion until Jan 27th hopefully if my test come back semi positive and we can just handle the pills ;) my Bp has gone down due to the high Bp.meds and my heart rate is ok I still have papaltations and have to be careful. But hey no.more getting iv's like clock work...yeaah buddy!!! As of how I felt after day one last treatment I felt like crap for a cpl.hrs like usual. Out of it,In a zone,dazed,achey,sore..but today my first morning with out it I'm ok... About to take hot hot shower,relax eat well and try and enjoy a day with bubby. I do have a headache slightly but not as bad. So let's say our prayers that I don't have to go every day again ans maybe 2-3 days until I hit REMISSION BABY!!!!! New year new me can't wait! Xo have a great work week! Now off to attack.mommy duties.

glass mouth nightmare

Had nightmare I was driving had a piece of gum and ate thin paper slices of glass it had my mouth all cut up I was in a bad woodsy area road and was driving on gravel. A baby in a back seat crying I was dying and choking on sharp glass from a pack of gum I ate... 530am I want to thank u for letting b myself was on radio. I went under a bridge and my tongue was bleeding horribly. I could taste the blood so I woke up screaming and brushed my teeth over and over! Nightmares medicine goodness..goodnight

reba mcyintire

Ok I don't know what I ate or drank before bed but Reba talked to me when I woke up at 4am after my 2min which seemed like 30min pee break and laid back down. She had on a hot pink cowboy shirt with white trimmings that sparkled with high wasted denim jeans and a white cowboy hat hanging on the back with long red hair. She rode a white horse on the beach and said "gennifer,don't let this get you you are strong like the ocean and the wind blowing on the beach." Smiled and then started singing God is with you God loves you...Riding off on the horse. What the what!!!!!! Bahaha bizarre dreams I tell ya but hey I'll take that one for sure but God, I ask you...why Reba and her country voice?! ;)

itchy itchy my skin is burning..

I have been itching like crazy. Can't sleep. My skin is burning it hurts so badly. Maybe the meds,the lupus,the kidney failure ..who knows all I do know is it sucks!! I also am having the lupus rashes show up more on my chest and face..they burn also! My body is so inflammed I can't get comfortable. I feel like a true crack head scratching all the time and looking wore out! If only ppl knew what i go through....Xo

4am defeat and mother natures cruel games

It's 4am again and Im up at it! I just instantly wake up and and have energy. Not a lot of energy but more than during the day. Well I woke up from sleeping in Aidens room he had to hold my hand going to bed ;) moments I will always cherish! I wake up and notice Chris is just going to bed ( yea opposite schedules I tell ya) he kisses and hugs me tight bo says his goodnights and off to bed they go while I turn on family matters and polish my nails. Well try! My hands have been shaking like crazy lately like horribly shaking where i can't do much. I have always polished my nails so when I noticed I was having trouble keeping my hand steady I started to get frustrated a bit. bc its such a simple task and all of a sudden I can't even do that. It took me 2hrs to polish my nails! A simple coat 2 freakin hrs!!!! I couldn't even cry bc I can't produce tears and I wanted to cry so bad. I already had a bad day and I just felt defeated. There is that Damn word again...defeated! I hate feeling that and I'm working on over coming that feeling. Well its rainy and gloomy so mother nature hurts me more the next day! I mean I am flat out on my butt wore out. Flares left ans right body aches,swollen body,sore throat,puffy eyes and face..the whole shabang! Im so loopy that I sleep for 3hrs straight and dont really know what's going on type loopy. I felt drugged! My body was so heavy that I couldn't move. I couldn't see anything my vision just gave out! I was cranky and irritable thank goodness Aiden was not there. Everything annoyed me! I took 4 showers today to calm my body down and to try to wake myself up. I fell in the shower bruised my knee a bit probably something else too I will find out later when it shows up or hurts. The thought if a cane is becoming more and more likely I tell ya..I'm.beyond clumsy when I have a flare or get weak. Oh what a wk this has been for me..well actually month! I'm losing my mind I'm so forgetful I feel yet again lost! I'm just a being in this world standing still while everything moves so fast around me....

Losing my marbles,nose bleeds,and the shakes!

Today December 14th I woke up happy and feeling great! I put on a cute outfit and felt good about myself. The weather was going to be sunny 60s and nice..I woke up early to take meds and eat a great breakfast. Aiden woke up to tell me bye and feel better. Even said I looked pretty! I went to gas station and they had my favorite v8 fusion pomegranate berry drink back. I was golden! I head to treatment and get an amazing phone call from a friend saying she is going to start going to my dr too for her fybro..she said I encourage her and uplift her..made my morning even better to know I helped someone! I go in and it's a quiet morning not busy at all..I like! We do the usual how are ya and what's the pain tolerance today..my only complaint is heart papaltations and horrible rt hand shakes! It's getting worse! My hand even turns red and blue. My left hand shakes but not as bad it's annoying! Me typing is annoying! Then we get the treatment going she does my left arm instead of the rt this time somi don't bruise below and when she inserts the I've in ( this is gross) but it felt like my heart popped! It was weird like heartburn but strange. I turn on my Marvin Gaye,close my eyes, and go to my happy place (aidens smile) my heart calms down and the burning of the meds take place. I start itching and I start with the metal mouth again...thank goodness for my v8 drink! 30min come on let's get this over it! I start feeling tired..I ask is it going to rain bc my head and body hurt more than usual..yes actually it is ;( I sit for a moment after the infusion and just try to catch myself. I feel weak. I go home and to a happy home..aiden and bo running around Chris relaxing before work..my bubby's ;) all is well! I get lil man dressed so we can go have lunch with his aunt gg and I still feel weak but ok.maybe just hungry. I get her we enjoy soup and salad and time with aiden. I end up seeing an old friend turner and he says how great I look ;) good day still..so far. Then I go run errands for Chris and realize I'm getting loopy. I have my phone on me and I drive to his job and some how i lose my phone in my truck within 5min! After that all I know is I flared up, got bitchy, and didn't know where I was besides in a parking lot with aiden and Chris.. My mission was I lost my phone the rest I was lost! Completely confused, annoyed,lost,frustrated, and just hurting! My eyes swelled,my body hurt, my mind hurt, my marbles were lost! Chris felt useless bc I was heated and having a flare. Man, when I have a flare back the f off! I'm not myself! I'm a monster,a beast,a quick tempered annoyed bitch! I'm abrupt,rude,and fiesty. So he gives me his phone I case of an emergency I head home and go straight to sleep. Well...wait. Driving home i did something horrible which I have only done two times now...I yelled so hard at aiden and cussed him out! Yes I said I was a monster! I then pulled over prayed and collected what little mind I had and said I was sorry to him and that mommy is hurting and sick rt now and that I need him more than ever to just listen and be quiet. Well Gid gave me a miracle baby for sure...for a 2yr old he said sorry mommy your body hurts, I luh you, and ainen be good..I have to potty! Haha I said ok lets go home bud! Made home and he kissed me listened and went to take a nap with me and Bo! I woke up heart racing and a major nose bleed. Have I not had enough today?! I go clean the car out and what do you know the damn phone is in my door pocket thing! Ay yi yi gennifer! Ok so then I have to laugh bc today was a blurr! From 1-7pm I was in a blurr..oh wait the day isn't over! Sis and mom come over to take me to dinner and spend time with me..I eat aiden eats and behaves but I just feel horrible still. Cold,hot,achey,sore throat,eyes hurt,body hurts...come home starts raining explains the arthritis pains..let bo out, turn on shower,lock up the house,turn on batman for aiden,turn on pandora gospel station and zone out in a hot hot hot shower! My whole entire waist below is swollen! Thighs,knees,ankles,feet, and toes! My eyes are swollen,my face is puffy, my throat is swollen and sore! My hands are shaking my nose bleeds yet again and then there is aiden putting Vaseline all over his face and Bo's face! I ignore and just relax! Now I'm watching teen titans with them and about to take last of meds for the day and hit the sack! A long day indeed is finally over! Maybe a little pimterest will ease my mind...Tom is a new, glorious, and fulfilling day :) I think I will bake cookies and listen to some prince in the am ;) xo

Sit in a recliner,lean back, and lets shoot up...

Sounds exciting huh?! Haha.. well you can take my place any day crack head anyday ;) So I go to rheumotologist (Lupus and Sjogrens. Dr) every day in the am for approximately 2hrs. The infusion takes 1hr usually from start to finish. The medicine is only 30minutes going in me but the whole process of calming my Bp and heart rate down takes an hour usually in itself. My first cpl times I was nervous. I mean before getting sick I never had shots,needles,hospital,drs nothing! I only got tattoos ;) so for me to sit there with an iv in me was like "I am warrior hear me roar" I felt strong! Bc I did it..alone. that's another thing..I do a lot of this stuff alone (drs,hospitals,infusions,phone calls) bc I don't want to see ppls expressions,don't want to hear their worries,and oddly enough for a very emotional sensitive person..I don't want the "pity" feeling. I am strong and I want you all to be strong with me. So having someone there to just sit and be scared does NOTHING for us both! I'm not mean I'm just real. My Bp and heart rate doesn't need the next persons sorrows I can only deal with mine,aidens,and Chris's at the moment. Chris is the only person usually ( besides my sister Gina and God in my closet) that see me break down and all the way down. They are my light in the darkness from day one.. I married Chris and said until death..he should only have to carry my burdens. Our way of living not yours..it helps me stay calm actually. I post in a blog my feelings,I fb status it but to actually break down will be rare. Bc if I do I sort of feel like I gave up on God. He told me personally he has me and I'm not defeated! That was a struggle with in itself for months I "blamed" God and felt "defeated" beyond belief! Why me feeling and I'm doing everything "right" and my test are coming back horrible! I almost wanted to give up and but then I look at those hazel eyes of aidens and that smile he gives me and he now says " ma,u my est fran!" ( I'm his best friend) that's what keeps me going! So back to infusions... I sit in the recliners,relax,and watch tv and ppl watch. I'm nervous..everyone is not there for treatment so they stare back and I get TONS of stares ( I'm the youngest,sickest,and perkiest) they all ask me in a not threatning way do I just have RA ( rhuematoid arthritis) oh how I wish! They all are mainly late 30s and way older with RA only. Few have lupus or fybro. But its a handful. I on the other hand have a handful of stuff but the least to complain ;) Go me! A lot of them beg for meds and get mad when they say no you have an infection or your sick and we have to clear that up first. They talk about how they can't go on another wk like this or another minute! Then the nurses come to me ask me my info..how do you feel,what's the pain for the day,how's the kidneys,how's the blah and blah..the whole shabang and they just get quiet. They all start asking more questions say bless your heart your so young but have a smile on your face. Love your positive attitude blah blah...I changed their attitude by saying snd doing nothing...Power of God in me for sure! As the infusion goes on I watch my show Kelly and Michael,play on pinterest and listen to relaxing music..I try my best to stay calm and think happy thoughts.. by the middle of infusion my mouth tastes like metal so I stop drinking water and start on my berry smoothie since I can't have caffeine ( candy they provide for the metal mouth) and then like that my eyes get heavy,my face feels droopy,I feel loopy,I'm tired. Everyone notices and they just stare in disbelief I guess..from how happy to how quiet and dazed I can from in minutes. It's my life I'm used it..hey even Aiden is. He says mommy body hurts for a minute but her heart is happy! A freakin 2 yr old!!! Hes beyond amazing I tell ya! Helps to not sugar coat anything to them. I'm very honest with him about drs needles,hurting,being tired,and patients! He's very well behaved for my illness and for a 2yr old. He's compassionate,out spoken,and a realist ;) like his mommy When I leave the infusion I'm not totally out of it but I'm tired. I always try and dress decent when I go to..I want to feel good and not just wear pajamas all day that's lazy! I wear what I can and try to be presentable basically..I'm not all decked out in heels Haha never me! But being in the sun hurts me but it also gives me a little pep to my step so this amazing weather lately has me more active and happy! Usually after infusions i go home cuddle with the boys,make lunch,and relax for a bit before i start my day teaching lil man. Infusions have given me a new insight on my illness..I have realized finally I am SICK. I was in denial for sure. Im sicker than I believed to be bc I didn't want it to begin with. I feel a difference I feel weaker in my body but not my mind. I mean I have lupus fog like no other but I'm still capable to do a lot. The infusions are what I needed to kick my butt into gear for this new amazing year! That's all we can hope ans pray for right?! With God all is possible!!!Xo

dumb body clock..

Every morning I wake up at 4am to pee and get glass of water. Every morning! Since I am on more meds I believe my heart beats faster and I breathe harder also so I'm more likely to get up bc I'm scared of not waking up. that is probably one of my biggest fears. Is that I didn't say goodbye to everyone or make an impression enough that I can go in peace. I'm ok to die honestly I am..but I at least want everyone to know I'm ok and I adore adore adore them! When my heart beats out of my chest and blocks up like feeling it scares me..well shitless sometimes. When my hands start tingling and turning purple and red the blood pressure rises and I have to try and call myself down..yea it scares me! I wake up at 4 and usually straighten up any mess Chris or Bo made the night before. Put away food and pick up stuffing from Bo's toys or what not. Today I folded clothes Chris left on the couch in the dark. I just can't sit still worth a Damn! There's my problem. Since I don't work anymore I'm suzy homemaker! My mind cannot shut off I was not born to be lazy. I then make my rounds..I go and sneak and just stare down all three boys ( Chris,Aiden and our new pup Bo) yea we got a maltese/shitzu who is beyond amazing! He's aidens best fran ;) my comfort buddy,and Chris's late night owl! So I just go and stare at them, pray over them, cry over them with enjoyment that they are all mine. I just sit and appreciate them for who they are! Its my little moment of silence with them every morning. They are my world and more! I am starting to have more energy at this early am that its quite annoying in the afternoon when I have none! But my body is going through major changes and hopefully for the best..remission!! Well this helped my heart slow down and my head calm down I'm going to try to rest before the real alarm goes off at 630 for the morning meds! Have a great day and remember things could be worst only if you allow it...Xo

Me stroke...not quite, but close call

November 30th...three doctors appointments, in laws coming in town, and a happy 2 1/2 yr old! Go to Kidney dr..results are great say I can wean off of meds woohoo what I prayed for. Then I go to lupus dr and notice Im hot, sweaty, dizzy,fatigue,and have a horrible horrible migraine. Not headeache migraine! They take my bp it's 168/140 or something bizarre heart rate is 112 they rush me to er..I cry bc I'm overwhelmed. I check myself in and they rush me back. They are scare Im going into shock and could have a stroke. They pump me with steroids and high bp meds it's all a blurr. I'm alone, I want to be alone avtuslly. Why would I want anyone else going through this pain and struggle also. I can breathe better being alone. Chris is working alone tonight so he can't come. His parents just made in town So they have aiden ( thank God for that one) my sis is on her way to give me soup and magazine since they say I have to stay overnight. I'm in pain so much pain like never before. On top of pain Im nervous of what if I had a stroke and passed and my last time with aiden was a quick goodbye. He's my world! I start praying over and over just thanking God for everything over and over! They do MRI and X-rays on me again and same thing I'm just really inflamed and need immediate medication through the veins. I can't sleep My heart is pounding out my chest feel like death is coming sadly. They noticed that even when I sleep its pounding and that is where the lovely "enlarged heart disease" comes into play! I laugh and say I just have a big heart ;) but man I feel different now that's for sure. I can't even walk down the street without feeling winded. I have noticed for a while now that when i lay down it hurts to breathe and all but thought it was the meds..my bp is also out of control so I'm on more meds with that. Well Chris gets off work and stays with me for some hours along with Raychell and James..we polish our nails to pass time while the boys talked it was good then they all left and yes even Chris so we could all rest! I was in high spirits. I slept good the meds worked, i got to go home! I did get horrible bruises from the shots in my stomach i still have them and it's almost Christmas! So next days I rest and go to lupus and primary dr to catch up with them. Turns out my lupus got really really out of control to the point of really hurting me in a bad crucial way..the bp hurting the kidneys,the kidneys hurting me,the heart hurting my breathing and living, the INFLAMATION hurting all joints,organs,and muscles. Weewh..I'm just hurt but still alive! Wellin the end result..im back on meds! Kidneys may be ok but the rest of me ain't! So I'm now on 6 pills and solumedroyl ( however you spell) infusion treatments daily for 30min until my lupus levels go down from 90 to below 20%.wish us luck!

Boobies,vagina...nooooooo!!!

Ok shit just got real...Haha Well I have been having horrible pain in my left breast. I mean to touch it by accident I felt like I was getting a titty twister. ( sorry I'm a little vulgar but hey it's life) all around sore, there are two lumps, the shoulder blade hurts, the middle of my chest hurts,my heart hurts..I go to my Gyno and she says since I have so many health issues I need to get a mammogram. Well I go and thank God it's no cancer bc cancer doesn't usually hurt but they give me an ultrasound and there is a type of infection in my breast basically from the medicine and there is major inflammation..hence the excruciating pain in my muscles and chest. Oh and going to a breast center Is pretty depressing in itself. I mean everyone in pink,everyone sad, everyone's twiddling their thumbs waiting on results..stressful and I commend any woman and family going through that situation.. Oh and while at Gyno we talked about dadaada..children! Ugh I hate that topic. I'm over it I've researched and weighed out all my options and I'm over it! We talked about freezing eggs ( soooo expensive) we talked about surrogate,we talked about me carrying and why I really shouldn't, we talked about adoption, we talked about it all..blah! Then she checked me and noticed yet again that same damn thing I have been hearing at every dr...INFLAMATION! Ok this is where i am about to get personal, deep, real..whatever you want to call it but like I said this is my life and it's reality of the beast I live with. To let you all inside of my life for a moment to understand the effects these illnesses have on people is only a teaser. You don't feel what I feel or go through the changes like I am you are just reading it and imagining it. Basically with kidney failure and auto immune diseases you get infections constantly..I get them In my mouth from sjogrens,my breast,my vagina,my eyes,my face, and my organs. For a WOMAN to get it in her private area and to feel uncomfortable down there due to her body attacking itself not from her mistakes SUCKS ASS! Sex..not the same..I don't produce moisture due to sjogrens. See sjogrens is a bitch in so many ways and I find it funny no one knows much about it! I get nose bleeds,my eyes dry up to where I have cracks in the lenses why I'm partially going blind, I have dry mouth,sore throats,cracked crack head lips,and dry itchy skin constantly. ( and that's just the sjogrens!) so I can't have kids, sex isn't the same, I have horrible eyes,dry itchy skin,losing hair,horrible kidneys,infected breast,inflamed entire body, cant eat or drink anything,and get fatigue whenever the lupus feels to act up...but guess what Im beyond thankful I can write this and tell you all my life story! There is the positive in this. The positive out of this is I have a child already a healthy nutty one, I have an amazing amazing husband who is supportive and understands that sex is not everything, I have family and friends who support me on my good and bad days, I have my breast still, I have hair still and it's a funky new one, I have eye sight, I have God...see I still HAVE so much even though these little things that people think are so important and they need need need..well some can't have or never had. I'm so grateful for this life lesson God had given me...opens my eyes more every day well my one good eye haha..come on laugh people and go enjoy some great sex with your partner for me! ;) don't take life so seriously is what I'm getting at!

Put on your purple chucks and donate!

It's The end of September and we ave finally made it to the big charity event for chronic illnesses. I'm nervous but ready for it to be over! I planned everything on my own and being sick and planning a huge event well it's overwhelming but worth it! Everything was donated! I mean everything..the food,the venue,the music,the silent auction pieces, and the flowers! The food came from none other than Carrabbas, the desserts came from yours truly..myself ;) music from Becky and her band and also dj Crumbz,flowers from Fluer de List in Germantown, and tons of paintings,jewelry,services,and more from so many of my friends businesses. I enjoyed helping them as they helped me! Me and Chris looked spiffy I had on my wedding dress which isn't fancy smanshy like most wedding dresses ( we eloped its knee length) along with my new short hair and purple chuck Taylors I was set..Chris in his blazer and purple shirt along with our purple and green ribbons I made everyone to wear we were set. All my closest of close friends showed up some that I expected didn't. Yes like an emotional baby I cried. I guess my feelings were hurt. I understand ppl are busy but when you RSVP and talk it up and then don't show it hurts. It's one night $10 amazing food and company for a great cause! But I had the most amazing ppl there to support me and we realized that's all that mattered. I needed up making more than my goal amount of $1000 and we doubled it! So overall it was successful for my first ever event that I did all on my own! I know now that i take the money before hand instead of at the door. Oh and I mentioned new short hair earlier...I forgot to mention I cut it off for two reasons...1.for children's illness month in october & 2. My hair is thinning badly and it's quite depressing being in the shower and pulling hair out and crying naked,alone,with handful of hair...yeah depressing! Haha so i chopped it off..well my hairstylist which is just my sister who so happens to only know how to manage my hair! It's like a halle berry short do I like it,everyone likes it,and it's super easy! So far it's been an ok fall..

Let's play catch up..one on one;)

Ok a lot has happened since June which was my last post. It is now sadly December and I am just now writing. Let's see June we left off with me not being able to have kids. I was hurt,confused,disgusted by others pregnancy,etc...now I'm at a better place with that. I enjoy having one and at the bad moments I thank God for my one child bc in reality I cannot handle more than what I have (He sure knows what we can handle!)ok July comes around I am still sick and Chris decides to take me on a surprise trip alone to six flags. I love love rides but man was this the ultimate test for my pain,fatigue,and tolerance to the heat and sun. I had fun and enjoyed the alone time we got to share but did get really annoyed and fatigue faster than ever before. But I pushed through and enjoyed every bit of it. He really spoiled me ;) It was an amazing get away from reality..just what we both needed. well I am feeling fatigue more.. noticed that I am just not myself. When you know your body you just know something is up. At this point with the drs my rheumatologist basically ignored me and doesn't really do much besides tests and more tests.( which equals more money and more money) But no medicine, no feedback..so makes me believe I am not that sick with lupus or sjogrens but why do i feel like pure shit and they say i am sick? So august comes around and work is getting difficult for me. We cut my hrs..I mean I was working 5 days to 3 to 2 day down to 2 measily hrs every other day. I would pass out, feel drained, feel like pure crap that I knew I was just hurting myself more. We filed for disability and just waiting for that whole process to go through. Which I hear is A horrible,long,drawn out task but I'm hopeful and hey I tons of proof that what I have is no joke. So now we are in September and October...I'm really fatigue but push through. I def feel my body take an over haul. I feel completely different than ever before but just thought its my kidneys or I'm overwhelmed. I am a full time stay at home mom and I got qualified for disability within in three months they said I would wait ( God is amazing if you believe and stay faithful) I changed my whole diet completely. My goal was to get my kidneys stabled. I know I have Chronic kidney failure and there is no cure for it and we can not reverse it. Duh?! But I do know I can at least savior what I do have. I already don't eat salt/ sodium or caffeine. I usually have caffeine every now and then well completely cut it out this time. Noticed I was sweating a lot and getting exhausted after a sip of a iced coffee latte. I also cut out my all time favorite dill pickle chips :( that was torture but man was it torture on my body! I would eat two darn chips and with a 2 glasses of water (to justify..don't judge me haha) and I would sweat,bloat up horribly,headaches,nausea,fatigue..the whole shabang! I felt like death for the next day over a small handful of chips! So while you enjoy your chips and drink of choice I will sit here drinking my water like its a large sweet tea from mcd's with a smile on my face and my carrots and ranch dip haha. I also cut out red meats and cut down on my meat intake. I eat only turkey,chicken,and seafood and TONS of veggies! I make soups a lot with salads. I cook for Chris and Aiden normally just no red meats unless it's pot roast their favorite and I just eat the veggies. I cut down on potatoes, I don't eat fried anything, and I don't west sweets unless it's my Swiss roll cakes! I only drink milk with medicine and cut down on dairy. A lot of these foods cause inflammation so to eliminate these as much as i possibly can helps so much and lessens the medicine intake..what I'm shooting for! So basically my diet SUCKS for a cook and baker! I miss cooking and baking whatever now it's is this healthy for me and I can't add salt or overload in seasons. Everything has salt in it! I now homemake everything! I'm starting on gluten free breads, I make my own salt free pickles, my own sauces,soups,dressings,aidens snacks, and soon my own chips..SACRIFICES! I also did my first charity eventin September for national Chronic awareness month ( next blog more details) So, I started noticing pains in other areas and go to the drs for all that ( next blog) and realize that I'm not letting this take over my whole body..I for a moment stopped going to my drs bc really going to the drs every 2 wks sucks butt and it was really depressing me. So now I was like ok by the new year I want to be healthy and happy! So I go make all my appointment my kidneys are horrible the creatinine levels are ridiculous and they are talking about diyalisis sooner than the possible 2-3 yrs. scared shitless eh?! So they put me on a lot of prednisone and get blood work constantly to see where I'm at my best in meds. Well the meds seemed to work some magic along with the numerous prayers I receive daily..my kidneys kick back down to a 1.8 from a 2.8 hey they still suck but for me and being they are CHRONIC I'm happy with that number. I did something I changed that number! Defeated not! So then I decided I'm gonna try a second opinion on lupus and sjogrens..so glad I did and i got an appointment the following wk which is rare especially for this dr! I was like God you really do got me! So I go to this dr the wait was long but they knew exactly what I had by looking at me and then did some test and showed and EXPLAINED I was crucially crucially sicker than I thought to believe! Yet again scared shitless! I was in shock. I knew yeah I have lupus symptoms and blah blah but showing me the results of X-rays,MRI's, and my blood levels and explaining each one! Basically my whole entire body head,eyes,all the way to my pinky toe is inflamed! The lupus level numbers are supposed to be BELOW 20% for an average lupus patient mine....wait for it..a freaking 90! that's why I hurt and pass out and what not! Next I go to my eye dr and dentis for sjogrens and they show I'm really sick and it's also taking a toll on my health with the eyes and mouth slso explains the constant nose bleeds I always have..I have no more moisture in these areas! I don't freaking cry anymore!!! Im almost like a little kid who is fake crying no tears what so ever! Guess..no need to cry is the story behind that one ;) ok I think I caught up enough..we are December now but I will write in other blogs about the new life of mine! So much has happened in 3 months! I hope this caught everyone up enough from June! Goodness I'm a slacker haha my apologies! This is very therapeutic for me so I do not need to stop especially if helps you all see what life is like inside a 28yr old warrior or for ones who suffer like me to know there are others in this "beautifully broken" world of ours..xo

Let me fly ....

Right now I feel like a bird caged with out a key..everyone comes to stare at me..they don't know how I feel inside, through my smile I cry. They don't know what they do to me keeping me from flying..she's so rare and beautiful why not just let her fly fly fly fly..spreading her wings and her song.